I can't even begin to describe the feelings that I have had since becoming a mother, but these were some of my thoughts from the first months of motherhood.
I never knew how truly difficult it was going to be.
They tell you that you will be tired, but I have never experienced such complete exhaustion. An exhaustion that was the culmination of a 52 hour labor process; a two-night stay in the hospital with a hungry newborn who struggled to breastfeed; the newborn who can't sleep longer than an hour because she is so tiny and her tummy is so tiny that she is eternally hungry; a newborn who doesn't understand that the sun means being awake and the dark means sleeping; a newborn who is so DANG cute that instead of sleeping you stay awake to watch her sleep; an eternal list of to-do's that began the day she was born and never seems to get smaller; and the constant thinking about her was entirely draining...
They tell you that breastfeeding can sometimes be difficult but it is "natural."
But I never knew that for something so "natural" it is anything but easy. There were so many nights full of hopeless tears and mascara-stained pillows because of this "natural" process. I can remember grasping for that month-old mark, holding to the reassurances that we would be "pros and this whole thing will be so much easier." And I remember turning to Jon on that month mark, still worrying about whether she was latching, whether she was getting enough, whether she was getting too much, whether it had been long enough between feedings, whether I should switch sides, whether she was choking, whether this and whether that...
Everything...EVERYTHING...was SO much harder than I had ever imagined.
Yet it was, is, also so much sweeter than I had ever dreamed.
I feared that I wouldn't connect with this little girl, that I would revolt at this new way of life that revolved around her. But I love her so much. It is true that she has redefined me as a person, but I love the new me. I love her crazy. I love that she is a little piece of me and Jon and that she is a sort of representation of our love and dedication to each other as husband and wife. I love knowing that I get to spend every day with her to watch her grow and learn and make mistakes. I love her little personality that is already exhibiting itself and I love how much I can tell she loves me.
When Adalyne was just three weeks old, I was holding her snuggled up against me, staring into those serious, unwavering eyes, feeling such an overwhelming love for her when she slowly smiled. It was such a deliberate smile, never breaking eye contact, her entire face lit up by this gentle giant smile that I had never seen before and I felt so strongly that she knew who I was and that she could feel all the love I felt for her. My eyes pricked with tears. It was one of the most special moments of being a mother I have had...that smile was meant for me, her mother. It was such a tender mercy and the feeling of love that enveloped that moment will never be forgotten.
So while it is SO much harder than I have ever imagined, it is so worth it.
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