Hiatus

Hey out there! I still exist...we, the Randalls, still live! Anyone still even read this thing?

I took a little blogging hiatus because....well....because I didn't really know how to pick it back up after something kinda rocked my perfect world. In September, I had a miscarriage. And I haven't been able to figure out a way to just pick up and keep updating and writing about my life without at least mentioning it. And I wasn't really ready to mention it until now. So now I'm mentioning it. If you don't want to read about it, I'm not offended. It is emotional and personal and I wasn't really sure how much to share and how much to hold back.

We went to our first doctor's appointment to see the baby and its heartbeat at 8 weeks, only there wasn't one. In fact, the baby had passed that very day. We were beyond devastated. Things had seemed perfect up to that point. Perfect timing with a due date on my father's birthday just before the heat of Arizona kicked up. And we were really ready to be parents again. What followed was one of the worst months of my life -- spiritually, mentally and physically. I can't even put the emotions and events that occurred into words, so we'll leave it at that.

There have been blessings though, through this trial. I would not have been able to say that in September, but a retrospective perspective is a great blessing.

I am learning to release control of my life. I like to have things planned. And then I like to have them go according to plan. Obviously, a miscarriage was not in my plans and it challenged my faith a great deal. I struggled understanding the will of Heavenly Father and I was very angry. I retreated from my god.  But I am learning to rely more on him. I realized what a weakness it is to expect everything to go smoothly in my life and I am disappointed that I reacted in anger first. Perhaps I have time to become a little better before I become a mother again?

I have also recognized the power of divine compassion. After I stopped being angry with God, I began to realize the small ways in which He had sent me comfort through that difficult time. I noticed how He wrapped me up in love once I was ready to accept it.  I recognized the small answers to prayer that I had missed in my search to understand why I had lost my baby. And I am grateful for His Priesthood power that allows me to feel and hear his will for me.

It has given me a gratitude for the miracle of pregnancy itself. That I already have a beautiful little girl who made it safely to this earth to bring us so much happiness. And I will be more grateful for morning sickness should it ever come again and all the other woes and pains of pregnancy.

I  have developed an even deeper, closer relationship with my husband who I will be eternally grateful for. His love and comfort, his eternal perspective kept me afloat when I seemed to be swallowed up in darkness.

This experience has also given me empathy for those who have also suffered a miscarriage. I understand the physical awfulness of it. I understand the sadness that lingers when I hold someone else's baby and the tears that form thinking of my own baby that will not be. The most painful moments are when I think of the dreams and plans I had ready for this little man, for the walks we'd take and the songs we'd sing and the giggles I'd steal from him. Miscarriage is rough.

I cannot say that I am grateful for this miscarriage, but I have grown and learned through it. I have also found that while Heavenly Father does not always bless us in the ways that we want, he does bless us if we are striving to do what is right.