Friday, December 28, 2012

Hiatus

Hey out there! I still exist...we, the Randalls, still live! Anyone still even read this thing?

I took a little blogging hiatus because....well....because I didn't really know how to pick it back up after something kinda rocked my perfect world. In September, I had a miscarriage. And I haven't been able to figure out a way to just pick up and keep updating and writing about my life without at least mentioning it. And I wasn't really ready to mention it until now. So now I'm mentioning it. If you don't want to read about it, I'm not offended. It is emotional and personal and I wasn't really sure how much to share and how much to hold back.

We went to our first doctor's appointment to see the baby and its heartbeat at 8 weeks, only there wasn't one. In fact, the baby had passed that very day. We were beyond devastated. Things had seemed perfect up to that point. Perfect timing with a due date on my father's birthday just before the heat of Arizona kicked up. And we were really ready to be parents again. What followed was one of the worst months of my life -- spiritually, mentally and physically. I can't even put the emotions and events that occurred into words, so we'll leave it at that.

There have been blessings though, through this trial. I would not have been able to say that in September, but a retrospective perspective is a great blessing.

I am learning to release control of my life. I like to have things planned. And then I like to have them go according to plan. Obviously, a miscarriage was not in my plans and it challenged my faith a great deal. I struggled understanding the will of Heavenly Father and I was very angry. I retreated from my god.  But I am learning to rely more on him. I realized what a weakness it is to expect everything to go smoothly in my life and I am disappointed that I reacted in anger first. Perhaps I have time to become a little better before I become a mother again?

I have also recognized the power of divine compassion. After I stopped being angry with God, I began to realize the small ways in which He had sent me comfort through that difficult time. I noticed how He wrapped me up in love once I was ready to accept it.  I recognized the small answers to prayer that I had missed in my search to understand why I had lost my baby. And I am grateful for His Priesthood power that allows me to feel and hear his will for me.

It has given me a gratitude for the miracle of pregnancy itself. That I already have a beautiful little girl who made it safely to this earth to bring us so much happiness. And I will be more grateful for morning sickness should it ever come again and all the other woes and pains of pregnancy.

I  have developed an even deeper, closer relationship with my husband who I will be eternally grateful for. His love and comfort, his eternal perspective kept me afloat when I seemed to be swallowed up in darkness.

This experience has also given me empathy for those who have also suffered a miscarriage. I understand the physical awfulness of it. I understand the sadness that lingers when I hold someone else's baby and the tears that form thinking of my own baby that will not be. The most painful moments are when I think of the dreams and plans I had ready for this little man, for the walks we'd take and the songs we'd sing and the giggles I'd steal from him. Miscarriage is rough.

I cannot say that I am grateful for this miscarriage, but I have grown and learned through it. I have also found that while Heavenly Father does not always bless us in the ways that we want, he does bless us if we are striving to do what is right.

7 comments:

Kim said...

Oh Alyssa! I had no idea! I am so sorry. What a beautiful testimony of the love of the Savior and His power to heal. I wish I were closer to help you. You will be in our prayers most definitely. We love you and miss you guys a ton.

Morgan said...

My dear friend I'm so sorry. Miscarriage is so hard. My heart goes out to you and your suffering. Know that our Heavenly Father loves you and that your little person is still yours. That you will have the opportunity to hold and raise that little person in the next life. Many hugs and loves sent your way. Hang on there girlfriend! When the time is right another little person will come until then- hold the sweet angel you alreay have. xoxo

Rachelle said...

Allie, I am so sorry! While you and I both know that anger at God is not the perfect feeling to have during times of trials, He knows, and understands that you are human. All He asks is that you don't stay angry. I have to remind myself all the time that a trial is supposed to be hard. I'm supposed to struggle with it. If I didn't, it wouldn't be a trial.

Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them."

I'm sorry if this isn't written very well. It's really not my strong suit. I'm much better at just talking. Prayers are with you.

Kelsi said...

Oh Lys!!! How I wished we lived close to eachother!! Miscarriages are not fun at all and it is so hard because it is something that is not often talked about. It is hard to let go of the perfect plan we have imagined for ourselves. I feel your pain girl but it sounds like you are handling things well! Going through my miscarriages was hard but I really felt like my testimony grew in so many ways. I have also enjoyed Miles so much because of all the hard things I had to go through to get him here! You will get pregnant again and you will enjoy everything more!! (Worst writer ever...basically I love you!)

Meg said...

Ally- I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I know it was a while ago but I'm sure the emotional pain of it all will remain for a long while. I'm sorry we didn't know about it until know-when I did my quarterly blog stalking getting updated on everyone! I know that you two are some of the happiest people Nate and I know. You'll be in our thoughts and prayers. Love you guys.

Marilee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marilee said...

Hey Allie! I had heard from someone in the family that you had had a miscarriage but didn't want to ask you about it in case you weren't ready to talk about it! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You are so strong and amazing. Just like you said, it's impossible to know sometimes why certain things happen the way they do, but it sounds like you are learning and growing from it. We love you!