Hiatus

Hey out there! I still exist...we, the Randalls, still live! Anyone still even read this thing?

I took a little blogging hiatus because....well....because I didn't really know how to pick it back up after something kinda rocked my perfect world. In September, I had a miscarriage. And I haven't been able to figure out a way to just pick up and keep updating and writing about my life without at least mentioning it. And I wasn't really ready to mention it until now. So now I'm mentioning it. If you don't want to read about it, I'm not offended. It is emotional and personal and I wasn't really sure how much to share and how much to hold back.

We went to our first doctor's appointment to see the baby and its heartbeat at 8 weeks, only there wasn't one. In fact, the baby had passed that very day. We were beyond devastated. Things had seemed perfect up to that point. Perfect timing with a due date on my father's birthday just before the heat of Arizona kicked up. And we were really ready to be parents again. What followed was one of the worst months of my life -- spiritually, mentally and physically. I can't even put the emotions and events that occurred into words, so we'll leave it at that.

There have been blessings though, through this trial. I would not have been able to say that in September, but a retrospective perspective is a great blessing.

I am learning to release control of my life. I like to have things planned. And then I like to have them go according to plan. Obviously, a miscarriage was not in my plans and it challenged my faith a great deal. I struggled understanding the will of Heavenly Father and I was very angry. I retreated from my god.  But I am learning to rely more on him. I realized what a weakness it is to expect everything to go smoothly in my life and I am disappointed that I reacted in anger first. Perhaps I have time to become a little better before I become a mother again?

I have also recognized the power of divine compassion. After I stopped being angry with God, I began to realize the small ways in which He had sent me comfort through that difficult time. I noticed how He wrapped me up in love once I was ready to accept it.  I recognized the small answers to prayer that I had missed in my search to understand why I had lost my baby. And I am grateful for His Priesthood power that allows me to feel and hear his will for me.

It has given me a gratitude for the miracle of pregnancy itself. That I already have a beautiful little girl who made it safely to this earth to bring us so much happiness. And I will be more grateful for morning sickness should it ever come again and all the other woes and pains of pregnancy.

I  have developed an even deeper, closer relationship with my husband who I will be eternally grateful for. His love and comfort, his eternal perspective kept me afloat when I seemed to be swallowed up in darkness.

This experience has also given me empathy for those who have also suffered a miscarriage. I understand the physical awfulness of it. I understand the sadness that lingers when I hold someone else's baby and the tears that form thinking of my own baby that will not be. The most painful moments are when I think of the dreams and plans I had ready for this little man, for the walks we'd take and the songs we'd sing and the giggles I'd steal from him. Miscarriage is rough.

I cannot say that I am grateful for this miscarriage, but I have grown and learned through it. I have also found that while Heavenly Father does not always bless us in the ways that we want, he does bless us if we are striving to do what is right.

A couple things recently...

I decided to be a little girly the other day and paint both Adalyne's and my toenails. It was surprisingly easy for Addie since she only needed one small dab on each toe. Mine were a little more difficult, especially since Addie was more interested in the mint green on my toes than the shimmery pink on hers. She repeatedly tried to lick my drying nail polish.

I went a step further and decided to do my fingernails. As I finished painting my left hand, I thought Gosh, these look guh-ood, why don't I do this more often? 

And then I attempted to paint my right hand and remembered immediately why I never paint my finger nails. Five minutes later and a half a cup of chemicals and my nails shed their goopy, bumpy, bubbly alien texture and return to human. 

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Is there any way to avoid taking a toddler out into public? The past few experiences have been...eventful, to say the least. 

At the DMV (yes, I had to go back), she attempted to repeatedly lick the gold electrical outlet on the floor in the dead center of an overly large circle of spectators.

At Wells Fargo, while I discussed opening a second account with a bank representative, she managed to completely soak my pants with cup full of water.

While signing up for some college courses at Mesa Community College (yes, I am back to school to transfer my teaching license to AZ), I had to take said daughter on campus. Worst. Idea. Ever. In the two hours we were there, she emptied all of the "Welcome to Campus" brochures all over the ground, licked the highlighters in the bookstore, tried to escape out of every open door while running through roped off lines, ate some unidentified food off the floor, and ended the day by turning off the computer that signed students in and kept track of the student order. Yeah, I saw her do it and played ignorant. 10 minutes later, the room came to a screeching halt as all the little college helpers tried to figure out how their system came crashing down. One kindly man suggested it was Adalyne - gasp! how dare he?!?!

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So, as mentioned, I'm back in school and I think I might have gotten a little stupider since I last tried to enroll in college courses, since the process took me over 36 hours (to sign up for 2 classes) and over 4 days to login. When I called the information desk to find out my first step in attending, the conversation with my advisor went like this: 

Me: So, I would like to take some classes. 

Advisor: Okay...

Me: So.... I would really like to take them at your college. 

Advisor: Okay......

Advisor: Well, have you applied to see if you will be accepted? 

Me: Oh yeah....that's how it works....

The incredible thing is that the whole process was ridiculously complicated and pretty much nothing went right the first week...in fact, I was dropped from my classes. It was a nightmare, but I'm half way done. Oh, and textbooks are ridiculously expensive.

Photo Shoot

We finally got our family pictures done and I could not love them more. I shed a tear or two when I first saw them. My amazingly talented cousin Kim took these photos and even though Adalyne smiled only 4 or 5 times, I feel like Kim captured our little family so well. I love every picture, so I have posted all of them. Yes, there are like 100... feel free to stop looking at our faces at any time.