Bah. I hate to say it, but this is a venting post. A necessary one whose purpose is to help me keep in the tears and avoid becoming a blubbering mess and instead, I will end up with a documentary of one of those times when things were rough and I'm sure I'll be able to smile about and look back to see how much I was able to grow. Right now, that is not my perspective.
I'm not sure if all mothers and wives feel this way, but I am learning that the hardest part of being a mother/wife is that not only do you carry your own pain, emotional and physical, but you also carry the pain of your husband and your children with you. And when you aren't carrying the pain, you are carrying the worry, which can sometimes be even worse. I am learning that this part of my role is exhausting and lately, with the events in our lives, I feel that it is sometimes too much to do on my own.
With Jon's broken ribs, I hurt because I know that he is in serious physical pain...more pain than I have ever seen him in. I hurt because I also know that he really can't stand being unable to help me with the difficult things of moving and unpacking and cleaning and caring for Addie by myself. I hurt because I know that he is in physical pain more than he will tell me because he is trying to be brave because he knows that I really can't handle much more right now. I worry because on top of the pain in his ribs and lungs, he has developed a fever and pounding headache and sore throat.
I hurt because Addie is teething and it feels eternal and I can't do much to help the three teeth that are breaking through and causing so much pain. I hurt because I hear her cry at night and I know that she is in pain. I hurt because she has had a fever on and off. I worry because she seems to never be free of diaper rashes (and I worry about what the heck keeps causing them) and I hurt because her latest rash bleeds every single time I need to change her and I hate being the cause of her pain.
My own pain and worry right now lie in the fact that there is too much to do and I am beyond tired...I am so exhausted. With the move and the days and days of cleaning and the no-end-in-sight unpacking and all the little things that seem to come with moving, I am one large ball of worry and stress and movement and exhaustion. When I close my eyes, I see the list of things that are pressing and they are oh so long. And I know that I really need to keep moving. And I am worried because on top of the ER visit and the CAT scan and the blood work and the two x-rays and the Urgent Care visit and it's additional x-ray and the bills that they will rain down upon us, I also just walked out of the car shop with a new oil change and a larger-than-we-can-afford bill for a brand new clutch and possible new transmission parts.
It just seems that when it rains, it pours. And when it pours on those we love, we mothers and wives get wet too.
1 comment:
Im so sorry! I understand what you mean by we take on their pain too as a wife and mother. Sometimes I feel like Brian never gets stressed out because I can feel how stressed he should be, and I think I take it on too much. I hope all gets better soon! It's just poop under the sink! When we first moved into our condo we had poop under our kitchen sink from the upstairs neighbors toilet. I thought life couldn't get much worse, haha but it gets better eventually. Remember with storms and rain, there is always sunshine and even sometimes a rainbow at the end. The sun will always come back. :) I wrote a post on this last year. http://upliftyourselfs.blogspot.com/2011/05/rainy-days.html
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